In which my kids show off their musical talents…

Dubya has decided that since he has been working so hard at practicing his guitar, he wanted to have a concert.  He also decided he wants to be a very famous singer/guitar player when he is an adult.

Of course, what is good for the goose is good for the gander and Moo wanted to sing.

Clearly, I am raising musical geniuses.

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In which there are no words….

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In which my dreams are dashed…

Today, I was thinking about my 30 before 30 challenge.  I realized I haven’t updated it in awhile, but there were a few more items that I have accomplished.    

So here’s the updated list: 

  1. Take a roadtrip with my bestest friend.
  2. Get a tattoo.
  3. Do something that scares me.
  4. Be exceptional.   I’m calling this one completed.  I realized when I set this, that this would be a very hard item to fulfill, because it wouldn’t be a tangible or even a quantifiable accomplishment.  I would just KNOW when this was done.  And it is done.
  5. Polar Bear Plunge.  this crazy shit is Em’s idea.  I have prior cold weather injuries.  i’ll probably die.
  6. Learn a postapocalyptic life skill.  I can knit already.  i should still learn another one.  for when the zombies attack.
  7. Spend a day doing hands on volunteer work.  read to sick kids.  hang out with old fellas at the vets home.
  8. Spend a day at a spa.  DONE! My dear, sweet Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner bought me a spa package for my birthday.  I had a massage, a facial, a mani & a pedi.  Shortly after that, a group of girlfriends and I took over the Aveda Salon at the Riverside casino.  Some of the gals had services, a few of us just sat in our private hot tub, nekkid.  It was delightful.
  9. Ride in a hot air balloon.
  10. Go spelunking.  Emily says, ‘WTF is spelunking?’  Apparently, Em needs to add learn how to google to her list.
  11. Spend a night in the Villisca Ax Murder House
  12. Write a novel.
  13. Take the kids to Mt. Rushmore.  DONE.  Blog post is coming about that whole ordeal.
  14. SEE BELOW
  15. Learn to speak Bosnian.
  16. go ice-skating. This was Em’s suggestion.  She did clarify that it has to be pond/lake ice skating, not any of that fake shiz.  Considering that we both live in states that become frozen tundras in the winter months, it is rather odd that we haven’t done this already.  
  17. take a dance class.  (polka anyone?)
  18. Cook every single recipe in a cookbook.
  19. Complete the Warrior Dash.
  20. Go on an adventure with Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner
  21. Have my tarot cards read.
  22. Do a pull-up.
  23. Beat the original Mario Brothers game.  DONE!  
  24. Plant a butterfly garden.
  25. Perform a random act of kindness.
  26. Attend a murder mystery party.
  27. Take a hike on the Pacific Crest Trail.
  28. Take the kids to the Omaha Zoo
  29. Do the River Boat Brewery Tour in Milwaukee
  30. Celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in a huge way.

 

Anyways, as I mentioned above, I had been thinking about this list and what I could cross off.  My supervisor started talking about some stupid documentary that she watched about horses and how she loves riding horses.  Since I had my 30 before 30 list on my mind, I blurted out my original number 14:  Ride a miniature pony while Em rides a regular horse. (This was the suggestion of another friend named Emily.  It was a mean-spirited and cruel joke.  But it sounds hysterically awesome.  And think of the photo opportunities! )

A coworker laughed so hard at the mental image of me on a miniature pony that I thought she would pee her pants.  My supervisor told me that was stupid.  

To which I said, “Who are you to tell me my dreams are stupid?”

To which another coworker said, ” You can’t ride miniature ponies, dumbass.”

To which my supervisor said, “HAHAHAHA, I just killed your dreams.  Find something else for your list.” 

Just like that, my dreams have been dashed.  And now I need a new item for my list.  

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In which I pay tribute…

In one of my last posts, I mentioned that Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner’s grandpa was really sick.  Grandpa Bob passed away peacefully in the early morning hours on May 13, ten days before his 82nd birthday.  He spent the last few weeks of his life surrounded by the family and friends that loved him so dearly.

I haven’t blogged since he passed, not because the world as we knew it came to an end, but because the words I needed to say were not there.  And when you lose a man like Grandpa Bob, you have to get it right.

What can I say, though, about a man like Grandpa Bob?  I didn’t know how to memorialize him.  I didn’t know how to make you understand what a feisty, ornery old cuss he was.  I didn’t know how to explain how deep his devotion was to his wife of sixty-three years or how much he cherished his family.  And what scared me the most was that if I didn’t know how to make you, reader of this post, understand the caliber of man that our family lost, how could I possibly make sure that the memory of him never leaves my children.  Dubya has seven years of memories with Grandpa Bob.  Moo Cow’s three just doesn’t seem like enough.

So I’ve been mulling over this blog post for awhile.  Trying to do it justice.  Trying to pay tribute.  Trying to make him proud.

And then, a few weeks ago, this happened:

Dubya and I were cleaning his room and I could see he was becoming discouraged.  So I said to him, “C’mon bud, we’re starting to pick up a little bit of speed.”

Dubya looked at me and in a deep voice, he repeated, “We’re picking up a little bit of speed.”

Me: Yep, we’re picking up a little bit of speed.

Dubya, in the same deep voice: “Picking up a little bit of of steam.”

Me, somewhat exasperated: YES.

And Dubya bursts into song, “Well I fooled you! I fooled you!  I got pig iron! I got pig iron! I got all pig iron!”

I could have cried.  Instead, I gave my Dubya the tightest of hugs and whispered in his ear, “Your Grandpa Bob would be so proud of you.”

See, Grandpa Bob loved Johnny Cash.  And to know that he has passed that love on to Dubya, well I think Grandpa Bob would have slapped his knee over that while he grinned from ear to ear.    (For those, not catching on, check out this video.)

This is when it hit me, Grandpa Bob’s body may be gone, but he will live forever in my kids.  When you love someone as fiercely as he did, you leave a little piece of yourself in that person’s heart.  And how could you ever forget that?

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In which Dubya gives me a heart attack…

As a busy weekend winds down, it was kind of an easy night in our house

Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner is out fighting crime.

Dubya works on his homework.

Moo Cow throws a shit fit to avoid her bath, tell me:  I NOT STANK, MOM!  YOU STANK!

And after wrestling Stank Cow into the tub,  I sort out Dubya’s backpack.  It is his responsibility to clean out his backpack, empty his lunchbox, return library books, but every week I spot check his work and make sure he is doing what needs to be done.

The only surprise I have found is a collection of about eight spoons that he wasn’t putting in the sink.   Today, though, I found a happy, sweet surprise.

He made a little booklet that says:

I am Dubya.  I am 7.  I play baseball.  I have a three year old sister.  She is pretty. I love her.  She is awesome.  I will protect her.

Immediately, my momma heart swells with pride.  He and Moo had a rough day.  Lots of fighting, pestering, poking, prodding.  At one point, he had her in tears because he told her I had abandoned her and was never coming back.  This little booklet though, it makes me happy.  HUGE. HAPPY.  MOMMA. MOMENT.

And then I find this:

found 1

 

My proud momma heart is gripped with terror.  What is this filth?  Why is my son coloring this filth?  Have I missed some diabolical warning signs about my son?  I calmly ask, “Dubya, WHY ARE YOU COLORING THE FLAG OF NAZI GERMANY?

I turn the page and find this:

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It reads “I don’t know if Hitler is a terrorist.  But I do know that he is a really bad guy.”

His answer was that he was reading about Nazi Germany in a book and was writing out his thoughts.  Once my heart stopped racing, I did recall that he has had a thing for flags lately.  He is constantly drawing flags, making up new and improved flags for the United States, trying to design a flag for the House of McD, etc.

So here is the take-a-way from this:

1.  My kid isn’t the future leader of a Neo Nazi terror cell.

2. If this is what he is thinking about at seven, I am in for some profound conversations with this kid.  

3. He is going to give me heart palpitations.

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In which I discuss ALL THE THINGS…

Sometimes life gets kinda hectic around the House of McD and this bloggin’ biz falls by the wayside.  I know you all probably thought that we have just been too involved in our Billy Ray Cyrus c.d., but I assure you, that is NOT the case.  (except maybe there is a little bit of truth to that)

Since I know you have all been anxiously awaiting all that happens around these parts, here is the run-down.  Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner and I attended the beautiful wedding ceremony of some friends.  A good time was had by all.  (except maybe for the fuddy duddies that we offended by our dancing.  and our photo poses. and our random boob grabbing.  and our crotch shots. man, my friends are sluts)

Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner celebrated another birthday.  I gave him his birthday present a few days in advance.  He had requested a back-up weapon to carry to work.  I like the idea of contributing to his safety while he is patrolling the mean streets of our ‘burb, so I bought him a gun.  I really outdid myself on his actual birthday, however.  When he walked into our house after his shift ended, he was greeted by photos of Nicholas Cage wishing him a happy birthday.  Inviting him to ‘get naked’.  Advising him that ‘bears can smell the menstruation’.  I totally jacked the idea off of pinterest, but I made it my own with the filthy captions.   When he made it to work, he was greeted by more photos of Nicholas Cage (slightly less filthy, still inappropriate) and a cake.  He loved it.  (except maybe when he was a little bit afraid that his chief would find the photos and hold him accountable)

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Why marry a cop if you can’t tease him about it?  Oink oink mother fucker.

What else?  Oh yes, a rabid baby squirrel adopted me as his mother.  Kind of weird considering I hate those little rat bastards with a passion.  Except, I developed a very small soft spot for this wee fella that I named Barnaby.  All the other jerk squirrels in our neighborhood were mean to him, his mom abandoned him, and he kept falling out of trees. Anything that defenseless that considers me his mama?  eh, I figure I had to take care of him.  So I corralled him into a box.  Twice.  The first time he was taken a few blocks away.  And he found his way back home.  So I corralled him back into the box and called a friend who took him to a squirrel whisperer.  Barnaby died the next day.  (except maybe I didn’t tell my kids that and now every time Moo sees a squirrel she hollers ‘HI BARBEE”)

And in the midst of all our day to day drama, we received some news that kind of knocked us all on our asses.  Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner’s grandpa is really sick.  Like the kind of sick that one week he was fine and the next week they are diagnosing brain tumors and moving him to hospice.  Grampa Bob is a hell of a man.   Image

Grampa Bob meeting Dubya for the first time…

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Pickin’ and Grinnin’ with Moo Cow…

As Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner said, “I’ve never met anyone else like him.”   We are trying to focus on the celebration of Grampa Bob’s life.  We are grateful for the time we have had to say our good-byes.  We realize that after an long, healthy life this is the next, natural step.  (except maybe we have just kind of tricked ourselves into believing all that, when really, we are just fucking sad and angry and worried)  

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In which I purchased something amazing for one dollar…

It is a rainy Thursday here in my homeland. My morning started out with a not-so-happy Dubya asking me if I remembered that time when I forgot to give him his fortune cookie that I promised he could have after he finished his bath.  (Mom fail)

It didn’t get any better when I went to drop Moo off at her babysitter.  That is when I found I was unable to drive down her street due to a very annoying pair of garbage trucks.  Since the morning commute is very carefully timed to ensure I get as much beauty sleep as I require (hint: it is a lot) and still make it work on time, the garbage truck situation was troublesome.  I ended up throwing my car into park, hitting the hazard lights, taking off my shoes and running down the block with Moo slung over my arm like a sack of potatoes.  In the rain.  Dodging the earthworms. I now have little muddy foot prints on my pants.  And after all of that, I was still a minute late to work.  (Employee fail)

But when I was at the local library over my lunch break, donating my beloved VHS copies of ‘Care Bears in Wonderland’ and ‘Care Bears Nutcracker Suite’ so they could be enjoyed by the masses as God intended, I happened to walk by the book sale shelf. And there I was drawn, like a moth to a flame, to the most amazing item ever known to man. For the low, low price of ONE DOLLAR, this amazing thing could be mine.  It was as if a ray of sunshine was shining down on me from above.  It was as if it was meant to be.  Destiny.  Fate. Kismet.  Serendipity.  Whatever it was, I snatched that item off the shelf and ran to the circulation desk.  I threw it on the desk, proudly proclaiming that I was buying that item.

The teenage library worker looked at me as if I had grown a second head, so I had to explain exactly what my plans were.  “See, my husband, kids and I are going on a roadtrip soon and I thought it would be fun to listen to this THE ENTIRE TIME WE ARE IN THE CAR.”

As she took my dollar, she warned me that I might not make it back home if I follow through with my plans.  But I would not be dissuaded.  This amazing item was to be mine.  It shall bring me a lifetime of merriment and delight, I am sure of it!

But what could bring me such joy?  What could give me sunshine on a cloudy day? (Certainly, not my girl, cuz that girl is a Gloomy Gus)

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That’s right.  Billy Ray Cyrus.  Some Gave All.  THE CD.  FOR ONE DOLLAR.

Suddenly, all seems right in my world.  I just know that my Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner will be just as excited about this purchase as I am.  FOR ONE DOLLAR, we can listen to Where’m I Gonna Live? on repeat for hours!    For ONE MERE DOLLAR,  we can country line dance to Achy Breaky Heart!  And just think of the hours of enjoyment this c.d. will bring on our impending road trip!

And this, my friends, finishes the story of how Billy Ray Cyrus saved the day from utter despair. We thank you sir.

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